Ask Alannah

We've Moved!

2011-11-16T13:12:00.000-06:00

Please check out the new site home at lovewits.com.

xoxo Alannah

Ladies, Are You Too Picky?

2011-11-15T16:04:00.003-06:00

It's good to have high standards for yourself and for those whom you choose to date. However, when those standards are too high or totally unrealistic, you can end up shortchanging yourself and lose out on meeting lots of great guys in the process. Below, some tell-tale signs that you may be too picky when it comes to dating!

1) You honestly don't remember the last time you went on a date (despite numerous chances or offers). It's normal to go through a dating dry spell every now and then, and these can last anywhere from a few months to a few years. However, if opportunities keep presenting themselves (in the form of offers for coffee dates or well-intentioned friends who try to set up blind dates) and you continually turn them down, this may be a sign that you are too picky and doing yourself a disservice by limiting your dating options. Don't be afraid to "date outside the box" and try dating someone you wouldn't normally date.

This doesn't mean slumming it, either; it just means giving that cute guy at the coffee shop a chance despite the fact that he doesn't fit the preppy mold of guys you usually go for (which could be a good thing!), or skipping your usual uptown hangouts when manhunting with the girls and trying a sports bar instead. What have you got to lose?

2) Your list of "must-haves" is over 10 items long. It's good to know what you want and to not settle. However, if you are too stringent on your list of must-haves, you risk ruling out some very cool guys who might otherwise be a great match for you. Be flexible and allow yourself to explore your options when dating. Have a few must-haves that you know you cannot compromise on (such as views on having children, a shared faith, and/or career ambitions) and leave wiggle room for the rest. Try to limit your must-have list to 5 items or less, and leave room for the rest. Doing this opens up a whole new world of potential dates you may otherwise have ruled out.

3) You have partially resigned to the fact that you may never meet someone you'll truly want to be with. Another sign of being too picky? When you've pretty much thrown in the towel and called it a day. Not just temporarily after a string of bad dates, but I'm talking about a long, extended dry spell (possibly years) where you just don't care to look anymore. This is not referring to those few people who feel they don't want to be in a relationship at all and are perfectly content that way (to each their own), but to those who want to be in one, but have just given up trying because they feel they just "have the worst dating luck" or "only meet duds". If you consistently meet new people in social outings and have chances to go on dates yet are declining them or choosing not to, then the problem may lie with your being too picky.

4) Your friends express genuine shock when one of your dates lasts past the second date. Your friends can often spot your dating patterns better than you do, and a good sign of being too picky is when all of your friends consistently point out that you don't give many of your dates a real chance. Sure, you shouldn't take too much stock in what others say, but when you hear the same thing being repeated over and over again by different people, it may be a good idea to re-evaluate your dating strategy.

Q & A - How Do I Win Her Back?

2011-10-27T23:40:00.000-05:00

Q. Dear Alannah,

My reason for contacting you today is because I'm in need of your expert advice. I've checked almost all of your videos and I have to say that I am really impressed with what you had to say, especially when it comes to women.

You see my problem is that the girl I love recently left me because she said that she is no longer attracted to me. She told me that she no longer sees me in a romantic light. I think that this has to do with me working far away from her for weeks at a time. Other than that I did not see any other problem in the relationship. I believe she is currently seeing other guys, but I don't think that anything is going on...yet. I think I still have a chance to win her back. But, I need your help. We broke up about two weeks ago, but during the break up she broke off all communications with me. I couldn't call, text, or email her at all. As of yesterday she finally decided to call me and said that she would like to be my friend so that she could take care of me. My question for you is at this stage, should I give up all hope or should I fight to win her back? If I should fight for her then would asking her out this early ruin the chances for me? I've been thinking about giving her a call, but am afraid that she might say she's busy or something. What do I need to do to get her attracted to me again? I'm so confused!

Sincerely,

Sam

A. Dear Sam,

Your best bet here is to take your ex-girlfriend up on her offer of "friendship", but do not pursue her back (just yet). That is exactly what she will be expecting, and if you pursue her right away, chances are, it'll backfire and she'll just end up backing off again. The best thing to do right now is to go ahead and be her "friend", and hang out with her, flirt with her, be fun and confident, but don't act like you are missing her. Don't tell her you miss her, don't give the appearance that you are sitting around waiting for her phone call and pining away for her (even if you really are!).

The reason for this is because people want what they can't have, and if she feels that you seem to be doing fine without her and don't seem to be missing her much, your value suddenly goes up. I'm assuming from what you've said so far that your work situation still hasn't changed since you two broke up? And from what you said ("I couldn't call, text, or email her at all") that she was calling the shots on the terms of the break-up? If so, the times that you do end up talking to her/spending time with her during this "friendship" phase will be very important. Show her how fun you are (why she fell for you in the first place), but do not show any signs of neediness or trying to win her back. Basically, show her what she is missing! Don't be afraid to spend time with your friends again, and don't go out of your way to spend time with her like you did when she was your girlfriend.

If there is any chance of rekindling that spark, doing the above moves will help rekindle it. Once you feel your "friendship" is moving towards a romantic direction again, let her be the one to bring up getting back together again (since she was the one to break things off). If/When she does bring up getting back together again, have a heart-to-heart with her to make sure that the things that broke you two up in the first place can be resolved/worked out this time around (such as a lack of romance, keeping the spark alive in the relationship when apart for long time periods, etc.).

I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions!

Alannah

How to Tease A Woman and Give Effective Backhanded Compliments

2011-10-08T17:34:00.005-05:00

You may have heard it time and again, but there's nothing quite like teasing and using backhanded compliments to get a woman's attention. From the moves I've heard many guys pulling, however, there seems to be some "confusion" as to what an effective backhanded compliment should look and sound like. Read on to learn how to effectively tease and flirt with a woman to blow her mind!

1) Do not be meanspirited. This is probably one of the most important rules when teasing a woman and giving a backhanded compliment (BHC), and that is that not only will your move backfire if you insult her by saying something mean and turn her off, but she'll also see you as a bully and will probably stay away from you. For your teasing jabs (TJ) and BHC's to work, there has to be a balance of humor and honesty, and they should not target something she can't change. (For instance, teasing her for her crazy hairstyle is okay; calling her a runt because of her height is not.)

2) No emo undertones. The point of TJ's and BHC's are to show-off your humor and to show that you aren't afraid to "insult" her, therefore displaying confidence and a lack of intimidation. If you use a comment that has emo undertones, however, it'll make you seem insecure or afraid that you won't measure up, and it defeats the purpose of the comment in the first place.

For instance, a good backhanded compliment will often position you as "superior" to her somehow, in a humorous way so that your comment comes across as confident and funny, rather than arrogant. Either that, or it will "insult" her in a funny way (that's not meanspirited). It does not position you as below her in any way that makes it seem like you don't think you can measure up. Some examples are below:

Good: "Love your haircut -- it looked better on Rod Stewart!"

Bad: "Thanks for finally responding to my email -- you have the memory of my grandmother!"

See the difference? The first example is humorous, and you are judging her, albeit in a funny way. This will incite her yet also make her laugh, and she'll wonder if you're serious, and whether you think she still looks attractive with her new 'do or not. The second example has emo written all over it! Calling her out for being flaky and sounding angry shows you're peeved and that she easily got under your skin without even trying, which is all kinds of a turn-off. For a TJ or BHC to work, use humor and nix the emo!

3) Be funny. This is the difference between flirting and just being mean...if you make her laugh, the sting of your insult becomes flirtation; if you don't and just dryly insult her, you sound like a bully or a straight-up douchebag. There has to be a balance of humor and honesty in order for a teasing jab or backhanded compliment to work. Use a funny tone and be confident - show her there's more where that came from! ;)

4) Do not insult her on something she can't change (goes along with #1). As mentioned earlier, TJ's and BHC's should not be meanspirited, and as such, you should not insult a girl on something she can't change, but rather, something she can change, to avoid looking like a douche. Examples of things that are usually fair game are her hair, fashion sense, way that she talks, mannerisms, choice of music, etc. Things that should be avoided include weight (this can be changed, but if you know anything about women, weight jokes should be avoided at all costs!!), height, physical features she may be insecure of, and any other issues you may feel uncomfortable bringing up casually in regular conversation, such as family issues, bad relationships, etc. A good rule of thumb is if you think your TJ or BHC might make her cry, you should probably not use it!

5) If you can dish it, you can take it. If you give a girl an effective backhanded compliment, don't be surprised if she comes back at you with a quip of her own. This is the perfect opportunity to dish it back again and start some flirty banter -- do not become overly-sensitive and start getting angry at what she says. Not only is that a turn-off, she'll also realize you can't take it and think you're a pansy. Continue with the back and forth banter - the more she engages, the more you'll know it's working! ;)

How to Convey Confidence Around Women

2011-09-22T15:33:00.000-05:00

So you've just met a hot girl and want to make a good impression, but aren't sure how. With all of the pressure to put your best foot forward and stand out among a sea of guys, is it any wonder a guy can easily clam up when meeting a new woman?

Below are some quick and easy ways to convey confidence around a new woman (or any woman!) and get her attention quickly to stand out from the crowd!

1) Smile and be friendly. Nobody likes a sourpuss, and that includes females. Smile and be friendly - chances are, you'll receive the same in return. Smiling shows confidence and that you're approachable, and everyone likes that, male or female. Show that you're open and approachable by flashing those pearly whites, and you'll create a good impression without even saying a word!

2) Give her a backhanded compliment. You may have heard of this before, but done the right way, a backhanded compliment can catch a woman's attention and hold it for awhile. Backhanded compliments work to make a man more attractive to a woman because of the asshole theory (that all women are attracted to assholes!); however, it has to be done in a funny way that isn't meanspirited, and you should not diss a woman on something she can't change.

For instance, giving her a backhanded compliment on her unusual fashion sense is okay ("Nice hat - my grandmother has the same one!"); making fun of her big nose is not. Telling her she waddles like a duck in her 6 inch heels is okay; saying she looks bowlegged is not.

3) Have good posture. This is one of the easiest ways to quickly convey confidence in a crowd, and that is to stand up straight and have good posture. Slouching does not look sexy on anyone, and standing tall and proud shows you're confident and feel good about yourself. You could be well-dressed and pull up in the nicest ride, but if you don't appear confident, none of that matters. Present yourself confidently and stand tall, and you'll better stand out in a crowd.

4) Don't act threatened by other men. In fact, don't be afraid to socialize with them. You don't need to be overly chummy, but if you see another guy "moving in" on the girl you have your eye on, instead of giving him the cold shoulder and getting all Jersey Shore on him, introduce yourself, be sociable, and then, turn the conversation back to her. Acknowledging and socializing with another guy who may be competition shows you aren't threatened by him and are sociable and confident enough to acknowledge him, without being fake and overly friendly.

5) Ask for her number. With all of the things you can do to leave a good, lasting impression, none of it will matter if you don't close the interaction by asking for her number. What's the point of working your magic on a girl if you don't seal the deal at the end? Ask for her number, say you'll call her, and then do it.

For more tips on how to easily convey confidence and grab a woman's attention, contact me for a one-on-one consultation for tips tailored to your specific personality!

Double Dates Can Improve Your Relationship

2011-09-09T21:01:00.000-05:00

Although one-on-one downtime with your sweetie is a must to maintaining a strong relationship, did you know that double dates with other couples can also help strengthen your bond? Researchers at Wayne State University recently found that going on double-dates with other couples can help you feel more happy and satisfied with your own relationship.

To maximize this quality time with coupled-up pals and truly reap the benefits of double-dating, however, forego the traditional movie date route and go for an activity that allows for deep conversation, such as dinner and drinks at your favorite restaurant, or even an active activity that has downtime built in, such as bowling or miniature golf. In the study, couples who answered "high-disclosure" questions in front of the other couple were more likely to feel like the interaction strengthened their bond, whereas couples who just engaged in small talk with another couple didn't report feeling any closer.

Have you double-dated lately? Did you notice feeling closer to your man or woman after a night out with pals?

Creepy Come-Ons 2: How to Instantly Turn Her Off

2011-08-28T15:45:00.004-05:00

1) Licking your lips every few seconds when talking to her, while seducing her with your eyes.

2) Sneaking up behind her and staring at her silently until she notices you.

3) Sending her a photoshopped picture of her and her boyfriend with your picture pasted over his head.

4) Following her home (without her asking) after your first meeting, just to make sure she "got home safe".

5) Sending her a Facebook "Relationship Request" when you two have never even met.

6) Telling her you've been having her picture saved as your desktop wallpaper for months during your first date.

7) Creating a "love confession" video for her - a la Jim Carrey's video for Emma Stone - without having ever met her.

8) Sending her daily text messages in a foreign language that say things such as, "You are always on my mind."

9) Showing her the scrapbook you made from pictures you found of her online.

10) Sending her a playlist of songs that remind you of her, which includes "Do I Creep You Out" by Weird Al Yankovic and "Obsession" by Animotion.

Related post:

- Creepy Come-Ons: 10 Things NOT to Do or Say to a Girl

Q & A - At the End of the Line

2011-07-30T18:57:00.000-05:00

Q. Dear Alannah,

How do you do? I don't know if you remember me, but I came to you for advice about the beginning of last year for advice about a guy I had a crush on in college at the time. I asked for advice on how I could get him to notice me and so on. Well, your advice worked wonderfully and we have been dating since then. But once again, I'm in need of your help.

Lately, I feel as though the connection between us from the beginning of the relationship until now has not been the same. We argue a lot lately, and sometimes it gets worse. My biggest problem with him is that games, such as the PS3 and card games, seem to be the only thing that his world revolves around lately, and sometimes I feel as though I somewhat don't exist to him. After being with him for over a year, it's been getting quite annoying. Nothing is wrong with a guy having fun, playing games or whatever he does, once he knows his girlfriend is still one of his priorities in his life. But, he never stops. He always spends 3/4 of his salary on games, and when I talk to him about it, it turns into a battle. Not to mention talking to him about anything these days, especially saying, "I love you"; it seems so robotic when he says it now and with no heart.

All I want is simply someone who can make me feel comfortable and give me some attention at least; I can't remember the last time he told me I looked beautiful or really gave me much affection. I can't be the one always running him down to tell or correct him about the way he treats me all the time. And don't even talk about his temper; I don't know what to do anymore. Am I wasting my time? Please help!

Sincerely,

Exasperated Girlfriend

A. Dear Exasperated Girl,

Yes, of course I remember you! I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. Your boyfriend's behavior does sound very immature and selfish, and I'm assuming by this point that you have spoken with him about it a few times already, but to no avail. Although the talks with him must be pretty tiring by now, do it just one more time. Let him know that you're trying to work with him to make your relationship work, and that it's been very difficult for you to communicate with him lately. Tell him what you've told me just now, but let him know that it's out of concern for your relationship, and that you're not trying to place blame, but that you want to work together with him to see how you both can make your relationship work and fix the problems you've been having.

If, after talking to him, you don't see any sort of change or attempt to change on his part, a way to prompt him into action (if he has it in him to change) is to slowly start backing away. Don't chase after him, stop calling as often or trying to make plans with him, and focus more on your friends, your family, work/school, and other activities in your life. He's been used to you chasing after him for so long, if this last talk doesn't get through to him, he's probably expecting you to drop everything and run after him again. Do be aware though, that once you do this, one of two things will happen:

1) He'll realize that he'll lose you if he doesn't change, and he'll make the changes necessary to improve your relationship.

2) He won't do anything, and you'll either have to start chasing him again to make things work, or end the relationship.

Only do this if you're tired of being the constant pursuer in the relationship and are at the end of the line; if he has it in him to change, pulling back will prompt him to action. If he has lost interest or isn't capable of changing, though, he may do nothing, which will give you your answer as to whether or not he is worth it. A relationship takes two people to work, and if he isn't willing to put in his fair share, you may be better off finding someone else who has his priorities straight and will know how to treat you right. It's a difficult decision, but you need to take care of yourself and do what's right for you. Good luck, and let me know if you have any questions.

Alannah

Why Confidence Is Important In A Man

2011-07-19T21:39:00.003-05:00

Everyone knows that confidence is one of the sexiest traits a man can have...nothing is more appealing than being with someone who believes in him/herself and knows their own self-worth. But, did you know that a lack of confidence can actually be detrimental to a relationship, especially when the man in the relationship is lacking it? (Lack of confidence in women affects relationships in different ways, usually in the form of insecurity, jealousy, and/or possessiveness, and that can also be detrimental, but that will be discussed at another time.)

Ladies, if your man (or the one you're eyeing) doesn't have at least a modest amount of confidence in himself and is always second-guessing himself and his abilities, watch out! There may be a problem on down the line. Read on to see why confidence is one of the most important qualities a man can have!

1) Confidence is sexy. It goes without saying that a woman will prefer a confident guy over one who's always down-in-the-dumps and underestimating himself any day. A guy who knows his self-worth and isn't afraid to go after what he wants is sexy. It doesn't matter how rich, hot, or smart he is; if he isn't confident, then all of the other things lose much of their appeal; confidence is that quality that gives that extra "Ooomph!" to someone's personality and makes you want to get to know them better.

2) When a man isn't confident, it affects all areas of his life, especially his relationships. No matter how awesome a catch you are, a man who is lacking true confidence will often be unable to appreciate it; he most likely won't have the balls to pursue you and will have a difficult time appreciating you for all that you bring to the table. True confidence differs from brazen cockiness (for example, Jersey Shore-style chest-thumping and posturing); true confidence is a guy who isn't afraid to ask you out on a date, but doesn't think any less of himself if you happen to say, "No." True confidence is a guy who knows how to treat a woman right, and expects the same in return from the one he dates. True confidence is a guy who knows what he wants and deserves, and won't settle for anything less.

3) Men who aren't confident usually have a negative outlook on life, and will often drag you down in the end. Whether they mean to or not, many men who lack confidence will often have a negative outlook in other areas of their lives, not just when it comes to relationships. A man doesn't need to be the most confident person around, but if he doesn't generally have the balls to go after what he wants, he'll be more likely to be generally unhappy with where he is in life, and his negative attitude will be contagious and will rub off on you. Confident people are usually happier people, and being around them will generally be more pleasant overall.

4) Men who are confident in themselves are more capable of making their significant other happy. When a man is truly confident and values himself and those he cares about, he won't have a problem doing what it takes to make them happy. Men who are insecure or don't believe in themselves, however, often resort to game-playing and tactics (such as withholding affection and emotional avoidance) in a relationship in order to compensate for their lack of confidence in other areas of their lives. A truly confident guy won't be afraid of expressing how he feels about his significant other, and won't be held back by fears of rejection.

Q & A - A Blast From the Past

2011-06-29T23:22:00.002-05:00

Q. Dear Alannah,

First let me say that I really enjoy your column here. Your advice is sage, and thus, I am hoping you could advise me on a particularly difficult issue.

I’ve recently reunited with a woman who was very significant in my past. We became close well over a decade ago when we were but 17, but time and fate brought us our own separate ways until now. I ran into her profile by chance on an online dating site, and, stunned as by lightning, contacted her. It took us a lot of time to meet, but we finally did last week, just for a light conversation over coffee and a short walk on a beautiful day. We really hit it off, laughing and jesting as through that long span of absence had never taken place.

A few days later, I called her, just to thank her for the pleasure of her company and to chat a little about a public event which we both planned to attend. Well, we wound up getting a few drinks that night. The jests and the laughter continued; eye contact was intense; hands just seemed to find one another across the table; embraces were warm and lengthy; her smile was radiant, and no doubt there was quite a twinkle in my eye. The only thing that didn’t quite go my way was that when I went in for the kiss upon parting, she presented her cheek. But I held her for a while after that, and when we finally parted, I felt like a king.

The day of the public event arrived, one put on by a friend of mine, who, I should add, is a man of 75. I had volunteered to assist him if needs be. I called my woman friend earlier in the day, just to inquire if she wanted to carpool, but she replied that she had double-booked with another friend of hers (another woman), but that she would prevail upon her to go to this event. And so they both did. I should note that her friend had just return from a long journey, and thus appeared quite exhausted over the course of the night. We were rather focused on the event, and thus did not talk as much as we had. Some of my friend’s preoccupation rubbed off on me as well, I think, and I wasn’t quite my usual charming self—my wit was less quick, there was less mischief in my eyes, my compliments were more muted, and so forth. But the event ended, and they invited me over to another tavern for a couple of drinks. I went along, (my desire to talk to her more perhaps foolishly outweighing my better judgment to remain somewhat aloof) and much the same thing transpired there: more conversation, with both her and her friend, but just less enchantment. When we departed, I asked her if she wanted to get together on my coming day off, and she replied that she wasn’t sure of her schedule. All in all, it was a friendly time, but not so charming a time as our past meetings.

Now, I have a little trouble taking the fact that she had double-booked and that she wasn’t sure of her schedule at face value, particularly we really hit it off at our first couple meetings. Moreover, I could see that it was a great exertion on behalf of her loyal friend to be there. So I’m wondering, what happened? These three meetings all transpired within the space of a week; perhaps she thinks we should slow down, and the presence of her friend and the general vibe being off were signs of that. Perhaps I was just off. I’m not exactly sure. She called me on the day after the event just to say hi; I decided to rescind the offer on my day off—I really do have a lot to do after all—which is just as well, as she has plans.

So, I guess I’m asking, what happened here? And how should I best conduct myself to move this forward and to avoid the dreaded “friend zone?”

Thank you in advance.

Sincerely,

Mystified in Massachusetts

A. Dear Mystified,

Sorry to hear about your current situation! There's nothing quite like reconnecting with someone from your past who you may have had strong feelings for at one point, so I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel. From what you've told me, it sounds like there may be one of two things happening here:

1) Your friend was initially interested and now has changed her mind or isn't sure what she wants,

or

2) she was only viewing this as a friendly reunion and nothing more.

From what you said about your first two outings, it sounds like she did enjoy your company, but her turning her cheek when you moved in for a kiss on your second outing could mean either that: a) you misread her signals and she was only looking for friendship, or b) she may not be sure just how interested she is in you.

If she was interested to begin with, things may potentially be saved. First, hold off on calling or contacting her in any way for a few days - you don't want to appear clingy. This will also give her the chance (if she's interested) to miss you and/or think about you again. Then, after a few days (about 3 or 4), reach out to her and ask her if she wants to meet up for drinks or dinner. If she accepts your invitation, try a different setting from before, and don't be afraid to take the lead; flirt with her, tease her with playful banter; and make it clear that you're not wanting to be her friend, but rather, you're looking for something romantic. (Check out my previous article for some tips on how to effectively tease her when flirting, as well as my article on moves that will make her swoon!) If she is/was interested, this boldness will help reignite that interest again; if she wasn't, at least you'll be clear on where she stands and can move on.

Good luck, and keep me updated on what happens! ;)

Alannah

Best Ways to Meet Men In the Summer

2011-06-11T17:30:00.000-05:00

Summertime is finally here, and what better way to jumpstart your summer than with a hot new romance? If you're unsure where to meet some fresh faces this summer, never fear...follow the tips below to meet your man and prepare for some summer lovin'!

1) Take up a sport. What better way to meet hot, shirtless guys in the middle of summer than hitting the sand volleyball or tennis courts for some fun and fitness? Kill two birds with one stone by getting in a good workout session as you scope out the hot guys who've come to play...the only things you'll be needing: a cute outfit and a good attitude!

2) Expand your circle. So you've met all of your girlfriends' single guy friends, and their cousins, and any decent male who they think might be remotely dateable, and it seems like the well is running dry...what's a girl to do? If you've exhausted the friend front when it comes to your search for potential new hotties, don't be afraid to expand your circle. Sometimes, when meeting new guys through friends, it can be easy to get stuck in a rut and forget that the best way to expand your "network" is by simply making some new contacts. So get out there and meet some new faces, and don't be afraid to expand your horizons...that slightly eccentric guitarist at the coffee shop just might have a hot friend or two who you might hit it off with!

3) Show some skin. Ask any guy what he loves about summer and one of the top things will most likely be the amount of skin that's showing during this season. I'm not saying go all-out skanky or forego clothing altogether, but showing some extra skin (in moderation) will have his temperature rising and attract extra attention with little effort on your part. Go for shorter hemlines; sleeveless, tube, and racerback style tops; or lower necklines. Balance the skin-baring by forgoing cleavage-y tops if you're wearing a shorter hemline, and vice-versa.

4) Join a new club/organization. For people who are no longer in high school or college, meeting new people is often not as easy because the group environment you enjoyed during that period is suddenly gone. Joining a club or organization, though, solves this problem; by joining one, you can easily meet like-minded people who you can hit it off with, and/or who can introduce you to others who you will hit it off with. Choose a hobby you love or cause you believe in, and look for groups in your area centered on one of these to join. Check out Meetup.com to search for groups in your area.

5) Take Brownie for a walk. There are two guaranteed icebreakers in life, and they are dogs and babies. Since bringing a baby out with you to scope guys wouldn't exactly be practical, take your furry friend out for a walk in the dog park - it's an easy and guaranteed way to meet other dog lovers, as well as give your furry sidekick some exercise. Dogs give a guy who's noticed you an easy way to approach, and you'll have something to talk about right off the bat. Bring along some dog treats and toys and enjoy a sunny day of guy-scoping in the park with your four-legged friend.

6) Hit up a new place with your girlfriends each week. Stuck in the same old rut? Feel like you're seeing the same faces everywhere you go? Well, if you're hitting all the same places week in and week out, how can you meet new faces? Change it up a bit by hitting a new spot each week with girlfriends and you'll be sure to meet at least a few new faces along the way.

Q & A - Tongue-Tied At Work

2011-05-14T22:14:00.003-05:00

Q. Dear Alannah,

There's this girl at my new job who I'm interested in, and I don't know how to strike up a conversation with her. We both work in a call center and are both usually on the phone with customers. We've talked briefly when I sat with her for on-the-job training when I first started working there, but we don't work directly with each other, and my main concerns/questions are how to strike up a conversation without it being awkward. Odds are I will not be seeing her randomly around the office where I would be able to engage in small talk. I would probably have to start talking with her at her desk and the issue with that is, being able to do it in a non-awkward and meaningful way. How would this conversation go, how far should the conversation go and what is the next step in the process?

Sincerely,

Tongue-Tied

A. Dear Tongue-Tied,

The best way to engage her in conversation is to wait until you can catch her off the phone sometime and then walk by and engage in some small talk. You could ask her a question about something related to a call you had; you could start out by saying something like, "Hey, can I ask you something? Everyone around me is busy, so I was wondering if you could help me out for future reference." (Then, make up a problem you had or ask her a real question, and then after that lead it into some small talk!)

Or, another way is to try to catch her in your workplace break room when you know she may have a break and then break the ice. This will require a little more creativity on your part, but it can come naturally if you don't think about it too much. If/When you see her in the break room, you can just make small talk, like, "Man, I've been getting some crazy calls today!" (and then tell her a story about a call you had today or some other day). You could even say something such as, "Hey, do you know where the gym is? I'm thinking of switching to the one here at work, but haven't had the time to go sign up." Generally, asking her about something related to work is safe, and she'll most likely remember you as being new since you sat and trained with her, so it'll be believable. If you have a feeling she doesn't remember your name, before you leave the break room, remember to reintroduce yourself, and maybe say, "I remember sitting for training with you." No matter what you talk about, remember to do this, so that next time you see her around, she'll remember your name!

If you happen to bump into her somewhere else besides seeing her at her desk or in the break room, like for instance in the cafeteria at work, that's also another chance for small talk. No matter where you see her, use what's in your immediate environment as a way to start up a conversation. If you're in the cafeteria, you could say, "Everything looks good, but I could stand to get something somewhere else. Do you know of any good restaurants around here?" The easiest way to break the ice is by using your surroundings to come up with a topic for small talk.

When you're talking to her, keep the conversation to just a few minutes. Once you've broken the ice, you have now established rapport with her, so the next time you see her, you can say hi and ask how she's doing. Whenever you talk to her, keep the conversation light each time, and don't let it drag out too long. After you've talked to her a few times (say after 3 or 4 times, or when you feel that it's most natural), then ask her if she'd like to grab lunch sometime (such as in the cafeteria, to make things easier). By talking to her a few times first, you can gauge to see whether or not she'd be interested and if she'd say yes. If she seems friendly and approachable when you talk to her the first few times, I say go for it. If she seems nice but distant, wait awhile first.

I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions. Good luck! ;)

Alannah

Q & A - Facebook Fling

2011-04-28T21:52:00.000-05:00

Q. Dear Alannah,

So there's this guy I met over Facebook...I thought I knew him, but I didn't. We started talking and it led to some deep, hours long conversations. We also flirted alot, too, and he asked me if I was single. A few days later, I suggested hanging out, and he immediately agreed. We made plans to go to the movies with a couple of his friends, A (who I knew) and B, who I didn't. It went sooo well! He was nice and funny and awesome, but since then he's been really distant...he'll still text me first and stuff, but he'll answer in one word texts, etc. I asked him if something was wrong and if he wanted to stop talking to me, but he'll say he was just watching a movie or doing something else. We haven't talked since we met up, but I saw his comments on another girl's picture (on Facebook) calling her sexy, and I think he's losing interest when I had really started liking him. Please tell me if he's a player or interested or what! Because I'm afraid he lost interest after we met up and now he's stopped talking to me because of that. Please help!

Sincerely,

Amanda

A. Dear Amanda,

I hate to tell you this, but it seems like you have gotten too attached too soon, and this guy might not be feeling the same thing you are. When people meet online and get to know each other that way, it's easy to quickly establish a false sense of intimacy and to feel that you have a "stronger" connection than what may truly be there. Because you're getting to know each other via the Internet and/or by talking on the phone, it's easier for one or both sides to portray themselves in a manner that's different from how they really are, therefore establishing a stronger sense of intimacy than what may actually be there. I'm not saying that it's not possible for you to be falling for him, but since your interaction with him has been limited (I'm assuming you only talked online for about a few weeks before meeting up?), what you may actually be liking more is the "idea" of him than the guy himself. Also from what you're saying, this guy seems to be a flirt, and may just enjoying meeting many girls right now, but may not be into looking for something serious at the moment.

What you should do next is to keep your texts with him brief. If he texts you, respond, but don't flirt or be overly gushy. Don't call him; don't let him see you sweating him. If he's interested, he'll step it up and ask you out again. In the meantime, keep your options open and keep yourself occupied. If he is interested, he will make a move. If not, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, and your infatuation with this guy will eventually blow over, you will just need to give it some time.

I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions!

Alannah

Signs She's Into You

2011-04-20T21:29:00.001-05:00

Guys are always wondering what signs can be used to figure out if a woman's interested...while each woman is different, there are some universal indicators that can usually be used to find out if a woman's interested or not. Below, some tell-tale signs a woman is into you!

1) She cancels plans with others to hang out with you. This is one of the biggest indicators that a girl is into you, and that's when she starts being flakey on plans with others just to hang out with you...a girl who's really smitten will flake out on plans with others just to spend more time with you. If a female friend skips out on cocktails with her girls or Sunday afternoon shopping with her BFF just to help you reorganize your DVD collection, for instance, it ain't because she's thoroughly impressed with your Adam Sandler collection! If you're interested, now's the time to make your move.

2) She'll often ask for help on problems/tasks, even seemingly simple ones. This is the modern-day version of the "damsel in distress," and is a girl's way of trying to talk to or spend more time with you. Mind you, sometimes, a girl is just needing help, and you may just seem like someone who's helpful and/or who she's not afraid of approaching. However, if she very frequently asks for your opinion or help on things that seem ridiculously easy to figure out or is pretty mundane ("I can't figure out how to use my new remote - could you help me figure it out?" "I think my toaster's broken - could you help me fix it?"), she may just be looking for reasons to spend more time with you.

3) She gets jealous when you mention other girls. This one's a no-brainer and even the most seemingly clueless guys will usually catch on to this, and that's when a girl gets jealous when you mention other girls. Whether it's your hot neighbor or your flirty coworker, whenever you mention other girls who catch your eye, she'll get irritated or change the subject; if this happens, the girl in question either loves attention and wants it all herself, or, she just wants your attention. Don't be afraid to use this as a chance to work your charm, lest you let your chance slip by and fall into the dreaded Friend Zone!

4) She laughs at your jokes, even the lame ones. Ever notice how a certain girl seems to laugh at all of your jokes, even the ones you know are lame? Either she's being very nice, or she's interested and is trying to drop a hint; step up your game and toss out a few teasing comments, then ask her out for coffee or drinks.

5) She does lots of fidgeting/primping when she's near you. If a girl is interested, she'll often be nervous when talking to you and it can show in her demeanor. Hair twirling, fidgeting with objects, and other nervous gestures may be a sign of interest. Another indicator is if she primps or adjusts her clothing and/or hair often when you're around her - this shows concern with her appearance and an effort to look her best around you. Show her you've noticed by giving her a teasing compliment ("You look pretty cute today - getting dolled up for me are you?") and asking her out on a date.

Q & A - Is Our Long-Distance Relationship Doomed?

2011-04-06T23:04:00.003-05:00

Q. Dear Alannah,

I need another person's opinion! I'm in my first relationship with a guy who is two years older than me. We started dating in September 2010 and things were fine and dandy for the first 4 months of our relationship. I was very busy with school because it was my last year of undergrad, so basically, he was always the one coming down after work to see me once or twice a week. At first, I was careful not to open my heart too much to him because 1) I wanted to play it safe, and 2) my lack of free time to spend with him prevented it from happening as well. However, he surprised me some time in November when he said out of nowhere, "I think I love you," as he was leaving. I was shocked and felt really bad because at that point, I could not say the same back to him. After that incident though, I let down the walls around my heart and took more time out for him. Since then, my affections for him have grown a lot.

The problem came about 4 months into the relationship when he told me that he would be leaving at the beginning of February for Korea to teach English for 6 months. I was completely alright with the idea of him being across the globe from me (I'm in Toronto) because I had complete faith in him. However, the things that have transpired since he got his acceptance into the teaching abroad program has planted a lot of doubts in my mind. He said a lot about how he'd keep up with this relationship while he was in Korea and such, but his words and his actions contradict each other. In most cases, whenever it comes down to himself vs. the relationship, he'd always puts himself first. I'm not saying that everything he does has to be for the relationship first and foremost. However, from my point-of-view, it seems like I'm the one putting more effort into this relationship than he is. For example, in order for us to Skype, I basically have to be online whenever I can because he can't give me a set time for when we can Skype on a weekly basis. I've made it clear to him that I'm frustrated and unhappy with some of the things that he's been doing, but his actions haven't changed. He just gets defensive about his actions and never tries to console me or make me happy. (I've tried to be objective, but I think my explanation has taken on a subjective view at this point.) He's told me that this long distance deal has been an ordeal for him as well, but when I ask him if he still wants in on this, he says yes. The only problem that I have with his "yes" is that I know, from what he's told me, that he has trouble breaking up with girls.

I was unhappy over this for about 3-4 weeks and most of my friends have advised me to just end the relationship. I'm reluctant to end it now because I'm afraid I might regret the decision later on. I still miss him even though I am unhappy. Also, I realize that I tend not to tell others about the good things that have happened. Right now, I've been doing what you've suggested to others and trying to find happiness in other aspects of my life, and it's been working to an extent. It still affects me though when we have a less than ideal Skypeing session. My question to you is, what do you think I should do? Should I stick to what I'm doing right now and wait for him to come back after 6 more months of teaching and travelling?

Sincerely,

Gina

A. Dear Gina,

Sorry to hear about your current situation! Long-distance relationships can suck, and it sucks even more when it feels unequal and like the other person isn't putting in their fair share of effort to make things work. I'm glad to hear you've been taking my advice given to others and focusing on other aspects of your life that make you happy, but this current problem in your relationship definitely needs to be taken care of.

It looks like you've been doing what you can to try to improve your relationship, you've spoken with your boyfriend about the problem numerous times, and he still isn't delivering on his end to try to make the relationship work, and hasn't been supportive or understanding, either. At this point, there are only 2 things left you can do:

1) Continue to try to get him to step up and do his part, and hope that he'll finally stop being selfish and put in his fair share of the effort (unlikely), all the while feeling unhappy and suffering as you wait another 6 months until he gets back,

or

2) take a break from the relationship so you can focus on yourself and making yourself happy, and talking to him again once he gets back to see if it's possible to pick up where you left off.

The second option may seem like the scarier of the two, but it may also be the most liberating one. If you decide to stay, all you can do is wait around for him to put in more effort, which seems like the more excruciating and painful of the two choices. If you decide to break things off "for now", you can (both) explore what other options are out there, and the relationship won't be hanging over you like an albatross that is dragging you down; relationships are supposed to improve your life and make you happier, and they take two people to work, and right now, yours isn't meeting either of those criteria.

If you decide to go with option 2, it doesn't necessarily mean it's a permanent end for you two, either; taking a break may help your boyfriend realize what he's missing without you in his life, and could help give him the kick in the butt needed to step up and put in the effort needed to make things work. On the other hand, it could also result in a permanent break-up, with him confessing that he's been feeling this way for awhile (something you've considered for yourself, given that you know his track record with ex-girlfriends). Regardless of that, staying in the relationship as it is at the moment isn't bringing you any happiness, either, so something needs to be done that can potentially result in both of you being happy, whether it's staying together or being apart.

If you're not completely ready to break it off yet, you could have another talk with your boyfriend and let him know that you're close to that point where you're ready to throw in the towel if he doesn't step up; basically, give him an ultimatum - if he doesn't put in the effort, you're out. Giving ultimatums isn't fun, but it's sometimes needed to give a person a wake-up call. There is a very real possibility that once you talk to your boyfriend and tell him this is how you've been feeling and that you're ready to leave if he doesn't step up, the possibility of losing you will get him off his lazy behind and motivate him to put in the needed effort to make things work. If you do decide to have this talk with him, though, don't do it counting on that to happen; expect that the conversation could go either way.

Good luck, and I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions, and keep me updated!

Alannah

Taboo Dating Topics You've Always Wanted to Know

2011-03-31T22:58:00.000-05:00

There are some dating topics that many people wonder about but never ask. For instance, is it ok to use a coupon on a first date? When can you ask your guy or girl's "number" in bed? Should you even do it? Below, the most common dating taboos and how you should handle them!

1) Is it okay to use a coupon on a first date? Being thrifty is definitely smart, and in this economy, is something you should probably look for in a mate. However, first dates are typically not the place to show that off. Granted, if you're on a budget, you probably shouldn't take your date out to a 5 star steakhouse for your first date, or anywhere that's too over-the-top for that matter. The best first dates are the ones where both people can relax, have fun, and get to know each other, so go to a low-key place that you know is within your budget. Once you've been dating for awhile (about at least the 4th or 5th date in), then things should be comfortable enough to where using a coupon shouldn't be a problem.

2) Should you ever ask your guy/girl how many people they've been with, and when is this okay? This is one of those uncomfortable questions that people usually don't want to answer, but always want to know (whether or not they like the answer they get is another story!). Some couples never discuss this, while others have no problem talking about it. I definitely don't think this is something that cannot be discussed, but it should not - I repeat, should not - be discussed on a first date. Putting aside the potential awkwardness in broaching the topic so early on ("So, where did you grow up? Also, how many people have you slept with?"), this is a question that can lead down ugly roads. Until you have that trust factor established with someone and have come to see them as more than just a hot stranger you'd like to get to know (and do other things with!), this is a topic you should try to avoid, until you know hearing an unfavorable answer won't drastically change your opinion of them.

3) How much should you spend on a first present for your significant other? Money matters are always sticky, and it can defiitely be that way at the beginning of a relationship or courtship. For instance, if you've only been dating a guy or girl for a few weeks and then celebrate their birthday with them, how much should you spend when buying a gift? On the one hand, you don't want to low-ball it too much and appear cheap, but on the other, going overboard (especially if you two aren't exclusive yet) can also make things awkward.

A good rule of thumb is that the longer you've been dating someone and/or the more serious the relationship is, the more you can spend on a present. For instance, if you've only been dating someone for about 3 weeks and the relationship isn't too serious, going overboard on a lavish getaway or uber-expensive watch will probably seem a tad too eager. For the very early stages of a relationship, smaller gifts such as not-too-expensive clothing (shirts, sweaters, dresses, etc.), tickets to an event (a play, a sporting event, etc.), stuffed animals, and/or funny gifts with sentimental value are good. If you've been dating for say, four months and the relationship is exclusive, however, it's ok to up the ante a little bit at that time. Of course, you don't want to set the bar too high too early on, so staying within a reasonable price range ($50-$100) would be a good idea.

4) If you're a girl and ask a guy out on the first date, should you pay? Even though it's the modern day and age, there are still some dating rules that have stuck around that many men and women still adhere to. For instance, most agree that the man should pay on the first date, especially if he's the one who did the asking. However, what if it's the woman who does the asking? Who should pay then? Ladies, if you do happen to be the one who asks a guy out on a date, I suggest going ahead and grabbing the bill. Whether or not your date will actually let you pay is another thing, but just expect that if you did the asking, it would be most courteous to foot the bill. (If he just won't have any of it and insists on paying, you can choose to let him at your discretion.) If/when he suggests a second date, then you can let him pay.

Food for Thought: Does Passion Equal Drama?

2011-03-17T01:24:00.002-05:00

Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in The Notebook

Most people have grown up believing that passion is what is seen in the movies and heard about in epic love stories...passion is Scarlett O'Hara and Rhett Butler, Cleopatra and Marc Antony, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. Passion is the crazy ups and downs in a relationship, not being able to get enough of one person...loving them, hating them, being filled with seemingly uncontrollable desires and overwhelming emotions. It is exciting, yet also chaotic. Does this mean that in order for there to be passion, there also has to be a certain amount of drama in a relationship? Are relationships that have great, fiery passion not always meant to last?

My belief is that with anything in life, there is such a thing as having too much of a good thing. Passion is a good (and crucial) component of a relationship, but too much of it and it will consume and engulf the relationship and the people in it; too much passion and a relationship becomes unbalanced, a rollercoaster ride with no end. On the flipside, though, a relationship with no passion becomes one that doesn't feel worth being in - if there's not that feeling of "being in love", it becomes more of a friendship than a true love relationship. No passion in a relationship leads to a platonic relationship that will usually end in a couple parting ways.

It is possible for a relationship to have passion without constant rockiness and drama present, to have fire without (real) fighting. Passion can be found in many different ways, such as through a shared love of common interests, through allowing each other to have differing viewpoints that can lead to some harmless - and aphrodisiacal! - debates, and, through not being afraid to challenge each other every once in awhile. Being challenged by another person is what creates passion in a relationship. When two people challenge each other too much, that's when a relationship can take a turn for the worst. When a relationship has the right balance of fireworks and stability, though, those are the ones that are truly worth fighting for.

Q & A - Relationships and Confidence Issues

2011-03-08T03:36:00.001-06:00

Q. Dear Alannah,

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for about 11 months and I admit...I get jealous when his ex-girlfriend messages him on Facebook or texts him. I know I shouldn't be, but I do get insecure. I have a problem with my confidence. He doesn't do anything to bring my confidence down. He actually doesn't text or message his ex back, because he knows I would get upset. I feel so guilty for feeling like I want him to be jealous of my ex, too...I'm not sure why I feel like this, but I can't stop feeling this way. What should I do to be more confident?

Sincerely,

Anna

A. Dear Anna,

Sorry to hear about your current situation! I remember you writing in to me when you and your boyfriend first got together last year, and I am glad to hear that your relationship has been coming along fairly stably since then. As for your current situation, it's good that you realize that the problem isn't with how he feels about you, but has more to do with your own confidence level.

The first thing you can do to improve your confidence is to strengthen your identity outside of your relationship, or in other words, have other things going on in your life outside of your relationship, such as friends and hobbies. A common mistake that many girls make (no matter how confident they are), is to get so wrapped up in a relationship that they forget the things that make them who they are and that makes them unique. When this happens, they become so dependent on the relationship for their happiness that it consumes them and ends up making them extremely unhappy instead.

What you should first do is to start doing more hobbies that are uniquely something you enjoy that is all your own - it may be something new, or even a hobby you've stopped doing or haven't had the time to do since you started dating your boyfriend; whether it's painting, volunteering, or trying a new sport, make sure it's something that you've always wanted to do, that it's your own thing.

Next, list out your goals (short-term and long-term), and plan out how you plan on achieving them. Whether they're goals for school or work, knowing what your goals are and going after them will give you an immediate boost of confidence that will help bring new life to everything you do.

Also, try spending more time with your friends and family to strengthen those bonds. Often when a girl gets too consumed in her relationship, her other relationships with friends and/or family tend to suffer because she hasn't had the time to spend strengthening those bonds. When this happens, she becomes more and more dependent on her significant other for happiness, creating a vicious cycle that's definitely not healthy for her or the relationship. Strengthening the other bonds in your life will help reinforce the fact that your relationship with your boyfriend is only one part of your life, not your whole life.

Once you start focusing more on yourself and maintaining a balanced life, you'll find that you're suddenly able to start enjoying your time with your boyfriend and your relationship more, instead of worrying about things that may or may not happen. Having a balance in your life and focusing more on your own goals will help you find your own happiness, so that your relationship with your boyfriend is just icing on the cake of an already very fulfilling and happy life!

I hope this helps, and let me know if you have any questions. Take care, and good luck!

Alannah

Is She After Your Money?

2011-02-19T15:02:00.000-06:00

Golddigger is such an ugly word, but it's the one major thing that many guys these days are scared of, especially if you have major cash to blow. If your new date fits the bill for the majority of the things listed below, watch out! It's probably not your company she so enjoys, but rather, your cash flow!

1) She chooses a 5 star steak house for your first date.

2) She lives a highroller lifestyle yet has no real job that you know of (she attributes this to "generous parents"....riiiight!).

3) She only seemed interested once the valet pulled up outside the club with your Beemer/Mercedes/Corvette.

4) She perks up when you mention that your family has a vacation home in the Hamptons.

5) All of her major long-term relationships have been with guys who made at least 6 figures (or sure spent like they did!).

6) Walmart is not in her vocabulary.

7) Her idea for a "fun" second date was hitting up the local high-end shopping mall, where she "accidentally" forgot her wallet at home.

8) She has never offered to pay for anything, ever, even after the 5th date when you didn't have cash on you to tip the valet ("They get paid hourly, they'll survive!").

9) Heather Mills is among her list of choice heroes.

10) Her last boyfriend bought her a $3000 handbag by their second date.

Valentine's Date Ideas

2011-02-12T02:34:00.001-06:00

Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and planning the perfect date for your significant other is on everyone's minds. For those looking to think outside the box, check out the date ideas below to have a Valentine's Day that your guy or girl won't soon forget!

1) Picnic on the lake. Instead of a picnic at the lake, have one on the lake by renting a boat or canoe to take out to the lake for the day, with a picnic basket full of goodies for the journey out. Bring a basket of finger foods (cheese, fruit, crackers, chocolate-covered strawberries, etc.) and a few candles to be lit while on the lake (held securely and safely in candle holders/containers that won't easily knock over and catch fire!). This is ideal if you live in an area that isn't too cold during the day this time of year; for those in areas where the weather would be too cold for this, skip to number #2.

2) Rent a cabin for the night. Have a cozy, romantic "snowed in" date with your significant other...what better way to take advantage of the freezing cold weather outside? Make sure to have all of the cabin fever essentials, such as wine, candles, and a well-stocked pantry, filled with aphrodisiacs, such as oysters, bananas, and avocados.

3) Carnival date. If you're tired of the standard dinner and movie routine that you have day in and day out (who isn't??), surprise your beau with a date to the carnival before grabbing dinner this Valentine's. Show off your whimsical side, and indulge in your inner child by playing games, enjoying rides, and enjoying the overall romantic feel of the carnival at night. This is the perfect date if you and your beau are in the mood for something playful and not-too-serious to celebrate Valentine's this year.

4) Helicopter ride over the city. Get romantic high in the sky with your guy or gal with a helicopter ride over the city, the perfect precursor for a night on the town with your beau. Get dolled up and fly out, then finish the night with dinner and drinks at your favorite spot downtown.

To change things up a bit, ask a friend if they'd like to double-date for the helicopter ride (share the experience and split the cost!); then continue the group date at dinner, or do your own thing after.

5) Hole up in luxury at a local hotel. No need to travel far to enjoy a fancy hotel stay - why not book a day of luxury and pampering at a hotel in your town? Call ahead to ensure the hotel you choose has spa services, and pamper your significant other with a day of rest and relaxation done right! Schedule treatments (such as massages, facials, mud baths, etc.) beforehand to ensure things flow smoothly the day of.

Is Chivalry Only for Men? I Don't Think So, Ladies!

2011-02-02T20:05:00.002-06:00

By Jennifer Tardy

Whether a man is opening the door for a woman, sliding the chair away from the table so she can sit down, paying for her dinner on the first date, giving up a seat for a her, or simply allowing the woman to enter the elevator first, these are all common examples of chivalry. Whoever said chivalry was dead, clearly doesn’t live in the south where it is still alive and kicking. Every single day, I’m experiencing chivalrous acts by men—most of whom I don’t even know! This was beautiful to me—until I started reading some studies created around chivalry…

This concept of chivalry has really been the focal point of many studies done in the U.S. over the last few years. One study suggests that “chivalrous behavior is a subtle yet harmful form of sexism, known as benevolent sexism. The term was coined in 1996 by the first study of this kind, which showed that men who exhibit signs of chivalry often exhibit signs of hostile sexism as well (i.e. thinking of women as less intelligent, weaker creatures whose place is in the home).”

Even though this study is alarming, I am still not willing to have a traditional burial for chivalry. I still love and appreciate it. So this got me to thinking. There must be a way to have my cake and eat it, too. That’s when the concept of the chivalrous woman came to mind. If studies are suggesting that men see us as inferior simply because they are being chivalrous to us, why can’t we simply return the favor and even the playing field—or at least get out there and play the game?

If chivalry is to remain, we have to adjust our actions and reactions, in some instances. Men want to see that not only are you appreciative of their actions but also that you are able to return the favor; you are able to become a chivalrous woman. No one is asking for you to throw down your coat so that he can walk over a puddle, but there are many ways in which you can still be that beautiful, feminine lady that you are and still show him chivalry. Below are eight suggested ideas!

Split the check. I asked a long-time single male friend of mine why he was still single. His response was, “I can’t afford a girlfriend!” As funny as this may sound, there is mounting pressure on men to pay for everything, the dinner, the movie, and even the late night drinks. When it comes to chivalry, the main request I hear from men is that we (as women) should at least offer to split the check. Most of the time a man will say, no thank you, especially if it is on the first date, but the notion that you offered to help him is a great sign of what type of partner you could be for him in the future. It makes a great first impression.

Pay for it all. Yes, I’m talking to you, girlfriend. Ask him out on a date and pay for everything: the dinner, movies, and late night drinks. Okay, take a deep breath! If you are open to considering doing something like this for a man who has been doing this for you for such a long time, there could be huge advantages to both of you. This will be a benefit to him because it will relieve the mounting pressure that he feels in assuring they can afford wining and dining you. This will be huge for you because you will better be able to empathize with all he’s going through in order to make you happy.

Surprise him. You can do something as simple as sending him flowers for no reason at all. Show him how it feels to be wooed. Some of the most macho ‘manly men’ will try and act like you’ve embarrassed them, but even they’ll have to admit that it felt good to know that they were thought of in a special way.

Say, “Thank You”. Show your appreciation. Each time he behaves chivalrously, act like no one else has ever done this for you before. Or at least act as if, he’s never done this for you 100 times previously. This way, when you say, “thank you,” it will be done with such fervor that will inevitably send a good burst of energy his way and will encourage his actions to continue.

Wait for him. When he opens the door for you, odds are he may have to open the door for others, too. Be sure to wait for him…with a smile on your face. Ensure that he sees you noticing how he’s been so helpful to others and not just yourself. And when he catches up to you, go ahead and lock hands or arms with him as if you are so proud to be connected to him.

Drive. If your man is the overly chivalrous type, odds are, he doesn’t mind doing the brunt of the driving whenever you two are together. What do you think he would do if one day you decide to get behind the wheel and say, “Baby, you relax this time?” I think that will bring a huge smile to his face, at least once he moves past the initial shock. As a disclaimer to this suggestion, make sure that you are a safe driver. There could be other reasons why he does the majority of the driving when the two of you are together.

Bring him lunch or dinner. If the fastest way to his heart is through his stomach, can you imagine how he’s going to feel when you bring him lunch or dinner to work or by his home? You can do something as simple as calling him up to tell him that you are going to stop and pick something up for the two of you to eat. Or, if both of you are lounging around the house, you could be the one to volunteer to go to the store while allowing him to relax. He would really appreciate you for it, I’m certain.

Don’t expect it. Finally—don’t expect him to be chivalrous. Women who wait by the door until he opens it are only showing that they are expecting him to do certain things for them. Instead, act appreciative, almost like it’s a pleasant surprise. And always follow your non-verbals with a verbal, “Thank you.” Make your thank you count so that he can hear it and so that he doesn’t believe that it is a habit of yours to say thank you the way we do when someone sneezes and we say bless you.

If you can follow these simple, yet meaningful steps, you will soon be on your way to becoming a chivalrous woman without worrying that he’s pegged you as a woman who needs to be taken care of. You’ll be able to bask in the best of both worlds; you are feeling good and taken care of and so is he. Isn’t that the way everyone should feel? I think so.

Source:

http://www.yourtango.com/

Top Dating Myths

2011-01-31T00:43:00.002-06:00

Some of the oldest dating myths have been around almost as long as dating itself. These are the beliefs that many people often take as undeniable truths, but often are just merely assumptions; they may be rooted in some truth, but are often misconstrued.

Below, the top dating myths and why you should toss them!

1) You have to be an asshole to get the girl. So wrong! You have to be fearless to get the girl, and this is where the asshole wins, because assholes usually are fearless! Another thing that assholes usually have over the "nice" guys is that they won't let anyone walk all over them, which is the one thing about assholes that nice guys would benefit from adapting; when you refuse to be treated in a way that is less than you deserve, a woman will naturally respect you more, and will find you more attractive because of it.

2) The hot girl always gets the guy. Wrong again - the hot girl usually gets the guy's attention fastest, but the quality guys only stick around if she has more to offer than just her looks. Don't get me wrong; looking good definitely does get a guy's attention, but working on improving the overall package - especially by developing an awesome personality - is what will get a guy hooked in the end. Looks will fade with time, but a great sense of humor, great wit, and interesting personality won't.

3) You can change a player. This is the one that gets us girls in SO much trouble, especially from a young and tender (read: naive) age. Yes, players can change, but you can’t change a player. Make sense? Players will only change when they are ready, and often it’s after playing the game for so long, they’re finally ready to settle down, or, they have their hearts broken and finally get a taste of their own medicine and change their ways. Almost never does it happen when a guy is in full-on player mode will he “switch” just because he’s met an awesome girl - what will most likely happen is, he’ll screw things up with her, screw her over, she leaves his ass, and he regrets it long after his chance has been lost. Being the girl who flips that switch is never fun, trust me on this! Spare yourself a lot of heartache and just avoid bad boys altogether…if he’s worth your time, he’ll prove it later on down the road. In the meantime, find yourself a decent hottie with no (major!) head issues who knows how to treat you right and can appreciate a good thing when he's got it!

4) A woman's affections can be won if you have enough money/fame/power. Some men believe that women are only infatuated with men who have money, status, and/or standing, and that if a man accumulates or achieves enough in one of these areas, he'll be set; this is where they are wrong. Sure, these things will easily get a woman's attention (some more than others), and many will very much be drawn to it. However, it's the connection between you and her that really makes a woman fall for you, not the external things that you can bring into her life. The other things can sweeten the ride, but aren't a deal-breaker if a woman is truly looking for love.

Men Say Kissing Another Girl Counts as Cheating

2011-01-22T18:42:00.002-06:00

Contrary to what most females believe, not all men are as into girl-on-girl kissing as the media and Hollywood would have us believe; in fact, a recent study of over 1,500 British men showed that a third of them would dump a partner if she were to kiss a girl, while 40% said they would be angry if their partner did that.

All these years, the consensus has been that this is every man's fantasy; so, does this mean that the media has been wrong about men's fantasies about girl-on-girl action? Not necessarily; the study stated that the reason for breaking up with their partner over a girl-on-girl kiss is because they wouldn't be able to trust her again, and would become confused about her sexual orientation, which makes sense, seeing as how most girls in the same position would probably feel the same about their partner kissing a guy.

What are your thoughts on this? Does this new finding surprise you?

What to Do When Your Friend's the Cockblocker

2011-01-17T13:38:00.000-06:00

Today I'll be discussing what to do if you're in a love triangle and your friend's the cockblocker!

Are You Marriage Material?

2011-01-15T18:53:00.000-06:00

By Farah Averill

If you’ve ever mulled over the idea of popping the question or have had a girlfriend put pressure on you to do so, you know how life-altering making this decision feels. To help you avoid making any choices you may regret, we’ve compiled a list you can use to evaluate your readiness for marriage. From your demographics to your childhood experiences to your personal values, personality and attitudes toward relationships, we’ve rounded up the five important factors you should assess to determine if you're marriage material.

Demographics

Simple demographics, such as your age when you get married, your level of education and your income can have a surprising impact on the success of your marriage. For example, studies suggest you should be at least 26 years old when you get married (Source: National Survey of Family Growth, 2002, conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics). As well, staying in school seems to have an effect on whether or not you get married at all -- 64% of college graduates are married compared to 48% of those with high school diplomas (Source: Pew Research Center). Finally, if your and your prospective mate's combined income is at least $50,000, you have a 68% chance of reaching your 15th wedding anniversary, whereas if your salary falls into a lower income bracket, the likelihood that you’ll ever marry is lower (Source: Pew Research Center).

Made for marriage: You’re headed toward your 30s (or you’re already into them), you have at least one degree under your belt and you and your girlfriend earn a combined minimum of $50,000 per year.

Your Attachment Style

Your attachment style characterizes the way you behave and feel in relationships, and stems largely from early childhood experiences with your parents. Approximately 65% of children can be classified as having a secure attachment style, with the other 35% classifiable as having one of the other three insecure attachment styles, which are known as anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant (Source: Prior & Glasser, 2006). Adults with secure attachment styles tend to choose partners with secure attachment styles and go on to have lasting relationships. Individuals with insecure attachment styles, alternatively, are drawn toward mates with insecure attachment styles and have higher chances of divorcing (Source: Clarke-Stewart & Brentano, 2006).

Made for marriage: As a child, you had your emotional needs met and were loved consistently. As an adult, your romantic relationships have not been plagued by a pattern of jealousy, continual fear that your partner will leave you or the belief that you’re better off without a relationship.

Your Values

Personal values, such as your reasons for getting hitched in the first place and your views on the purpose of marriage, also exert a significant influence on whether you’re marriage material. As well, whether or not you live with your girlfriend before you tie the knot also affects the prospective success of a marriage. Even though it’s now common for most couples to do so, living together before you’re engaged is not necessarily a good test of whether your marriage will work. In fact, it may even be detrimental -- as cohabitating actually results in a 6% drop in the likelihood that you’ll stay married for more than a decade (Source: National Survey of Family Growth, 2002, conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics).

That means that if you favor the more conservative route of waiting until you’re engaged to move in, chances are you’ll still be living under the same roof 10 years later. To decide if marriage is right for you, it’s also important to examine what the institution means to you in the first place. According to research, 87% of married people say that marriage is about a lifelong commitment and 81% believe its about companionship, whereas only 59% say it’s about children and a mere 31% site financial stability as a good reason to walk down the aisle (Source: Pew Research Center). What’s more, the quality of the friendship you have with your bride-to-be might account for up to 70% of the satisfaction both of you will feel with the sex, romance and passion in your marriage (Source: John Gottman, 1999).

Made for marriage: Consider it a sign that marriage may be in the cards if you’re ready for a serious commitment, you’ve met someone with whom you have a deep sense of friendship and you’re not rushing into the relationship by shacking up too early.

Your Personality
Studies suggest that approximately 25% of divorces are the result of personality differences between partners (Source: Psychology Today). Neuroticism is particularly deadly for a marriage: neurotic individuals tend to harbor feelings of anger and hostility, feel frequently self-conscious and irritable and may be prone to depression and anxiety (Source: Psychology Today). If that sounds like you, consider what impact this personality trait has had on your previous relationships, then try figure out some alternative ways to deal with stress and emotional difficulties in order to improve the quality of your next one.

Made for marriage: You have a reasonably easygoing personality, meaning that you tend to look on the bright side and you don’t sweat the small stuff.

The attitudes you bring to your relationship play a role in determining whether it will grow stronger or eventually fall apart. About 80% of divorced men note that their marriage ended because they lost a sense of closeness with their partners (Source: The Divorce Mediation Project), so try to develop stress management skills when it comes to interpersonal relationships.

Your Attitudes Toward Relationships

Maintaining a strong bond between yourself and your partner will require some effort if you want your marriage to be successful. Moreover, research shows that when a man is not willing to share power with his wife, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will fail (Source: John Gottman, 1999). This statistic makes sense -- after all, maintaining a long-term relationship requires compromise, so if you can’t handle not having everything your way, your marriage will not progress smoothly. Compromise includes everything from family decisions to finances, in-laws and even domestic chores. According to sociologist Ann Oakley, 87% of couples do not share housework and men tend to overestimate the amount they do. Women, however, find men who are willing to do housework extremely sexy, so if you think of compromise as a way to boost your sex life rather than a loss of power, you’re high-quality marriage material.

Made for marriage: You understand that a relationship is a work in progress. Whether you’ve been together for a year or for 20, you know that the trick to fueling the fire of your relationship is to work on compromising and ensuring that you and your partner continue to engage in mutually enjoyable activities that make you feel close.

Marriage Material

Hopefully, this breakdown has helped you take stock of a few things so that you now have a better idea of whether or not you’re marriage material. Of course, it’s important to remember that there are exceptions to every rule, so you and your future wife may beat the odds no matter how many numbers are against you. However, rather than blindly hoping that will be the case, it’s always a good idea (no matter where you fall in terms of statistics) to be honest about any trouble spots suggested by your profile. Dealing with those issues now will only improve the quality of your relationships, whether or not you choose to say “I do.”

Source:

- askmen.com